In my previous post, I spoke about my attraction to pubescent girls, and indeed, that’s my primary attraction. But I am also attracted to older females, too – both adolescent girls and women my own age.
My ex might dispute this last point. In her view, my offences were not just a betrayal of trust, but an indication that my whole relationship with her was a lie. And with the anger and resentment that has followed, she’d probably even go as far as to say that I got involved with her to get access to her kids. Not so.
The reality is that she was exactly my type, and I was very much attracted to her, physically, emotionally and sexually. I recall the softness and warmth of her kisses, and how aroused I’d get from even a simple caress while I was cooking dinner.
Naturally, I’ve done a lot of reflecting since the arrest and subsequent disclosure, and here’s the hard truth:
- I’m more sexually attracted to girls and teens than I am to adult women. I definitely do experience sexual attraction to adult women – if I didn’t, the long term relationship with my children’s mother wouldn’t have lasted as long as it did, and I wouldn’t have had such a satisfying sex life with my ex. But I have to admit that the sexual attraction to girls is stronger still.
- I’m more emotionally attracted to adult women than I am to young girls and teens. Whilst the relationship with my ex wouldn’t have worked without the sexual connection, it was the emotional bond that really made me fall in love. I can’t imagine feeling that sort of emotional connection with someone so much younger.
I’ve found it helpful to learn the difference between sexual and emotional attraction, and my place on each continuum. I’d love to be able to give up my sexual desire for girls and redirect that energy into relationships with adult women. I don’t see that happening, though, and even with the sexual attraction I do already feel towards women, the chances are I won’t be able to form sexual relationships in the future, due to my history of offending.
Instead, I focus on being happy with my own company. Longer term, I’d love to form emotional connections with other women, perhaps as friends or in a companionate relationship. Time will tell.